Um, yeah... So last weekend I had the dubious pleasure of attending the "4th Annual Drinks Show" (really? what kind of gong show were the previous ones?) I honestly thought, given my experience with events sponsored by alcohol companies that it would be good, and at the very least, it would be fun.

Well.... to borrow a phrase from Malcolm, it was a SHIT SHOW. It was puzzlingly held at the Toronto Brickworks, which looks like a cross between a hot house circa 1800 and some kind of internment camp. Well, looks aren't everything. Surely for the twenty bones you shell out, you get something fun, right? for your 20 dollhairs, you got... a miniature (less than a shot size) mixed drink! THAT'S IT. "Perhaps you get free food?" We wondered, as food was mentioned. No, tickets for barely palatable cater-fare were 5 dollars each.

So what WAS there? Well, tickets for a predetermined list of full-sized "new" drinks were 7 dollars each. those aforementioned "tasters" were 2 dollars each. The problem here is that for 25 cents and up, I could have tried anything here at the Summerhill liquor store, and not have had to contend with the sights (obese-multi-tattooed woman wearing more faux python than hair dye (a fight to the finish)) the sounds (music that even the Entertainment District has given up on) and smells (awful food, Portisheads, and cigarettes wafting in from the ramshackle "smoker's area" mmmmm. )

So what about the drinks? They were not terrible, but tended toward White Trash alcopop rather than a quaffer's delight.

One thing that was particularly lame was the COMPLETE LACK of any kind of promotions from the partners. Where were the things people live for, swag-wise? Jamieson golf balls, Cruzan Rum Leis, Sauza lime tchotchkes? There wasn't a contest, a giveaway, or themed pen in sight. MISSED OPPORTUNITY. There weren't even people dressed up as stuff! Everyone loves that. The idea for enabling the partners to brand and have fun with end users was lost in a sea of "pay us money and eff off."

The final nail in the coffin of this atrocity was the "free shuttle service" courtesy of several "hop on/hop off" tour companies in the city. Getting there was fine, and went off without a hitch. Getting back was ANOTHER MATTER ENTIRELY. You see, you need a venue that has an easily accessible driveway for the de facto form of transportation (parking was not available, so it was cabs or shuttle.) One where the transport can TURN AROUND, and also maneuver with a stream of cabs moving in and out, and having a growing throng of drunken rubes trying to figure out what's going on (in an extra level of complexity, there were 2 routes for the shuttles, which caused mass hysteria.)

This Richard Gere Posse entry is dedicated to the 20 dollars I spent to spend time with people the likes of which I have rarely seen outside of a small town "legion" function. I hope it was worth losing your life to such a poorly executed (but not entirely effing stupid) idea. RIP little buddy.
Below please find a "re-enactment" taken from Flavor of Love Charm School

Richard Gere Posse: The DINKS SHOW

Maybe it's the extreme heat that is causing the RGP entries to come hard and fast, but this needs to be said: Paul McCartney deserves to be in the Richard Gere Posse as an official Knight of the Gerbil. Wha? you say? He's a Beatle. Everyone loves a Beatle. No everyone does NOT love a Beatle, and the best songs they had had sweet fuck all (to borrow a phrase from my dad) to do with him. Need more convincing? Worst James Bond Theme in the history of the series (not so fast Chris Cornell, you were next.) Still more you say? WINGS. I win. Also, what kind of class A DOUCHENOZZLE makes unsuspecting Starbucks workers listen to his song on a 24 hour loop? Get over yourself. His poor wife had to get titty cancer just to get rid of him. Oh wait, if you're still a hold out... here's the piece de resistance:

Richard Gere Posse: Sir Paul McDouchebag

Who doesn't like dumb sluts? I certainly do. Who doesn't like monkeyshines? One look at my facebook would tell you I absolutely do. What I do not cotton to is when dumb sluts get into monkeyshines that are potentially deadly and then act like everyone totally does it too. Such is the case with Paris Hilton, who historically does her best work at night. One thing us bitches do agree on is In N Out burger (I am slightly harder core in my lurve for the Christian-themed burgers, having once called the hotline to find the closest one. It was on Crenshaw Boulevard. Bob and I took a cab at 3am. Bob likes 'em Animal style.) But this is not about deliciousness. This is about Twattitude. My father was nearly killed when I was a child as a result of a drunk driver. It is not something to be flip about. So, excuse me if I don't have sympathy that your roots had to go black and your blue contacts had to come out. However, I am happy to see that in the absence of your social candy, you have put on weight in the clink, making the lesson hit you where you live. Since your whole world is tied up in your gigantic-footed body, I'm glad Los Angeles County could help spread the message that DUIs are not a joke. You could end up like one of those "fat people who drink diet coke." Enjoy your freedom, ya fat cunt!

Richard Gere Posse: Fatass Magee's She-UI

I loves me some celebrity gossip, but only of the most AWFUL variety (like hookers, blow, illegal cockfighting, etc) so, I am getting a little sick of the weaksauce filler that is "bumpwatch." This lameass "reporting" has hit fever pitch since this summer's fashions are all about empire waists and flowing bodices. Lately, Katie Holmes, Nicole Ritchie, and other people whose lives have infinitely more secrets than a bun-ed oven are being targeted daily in a vain attempt to find a bump.

Here is a pic taken of me several weeks ago, and I am as barren as a Chernobyl maple tree. However, due to the crazy pattern and flowing design, I look like I'm a full-on Prego. But, as you can see in the second picture... flat stomach. I just wish we could go back to a simpler time, when gossip columnists went on "adulterywatch," "pisstankwatch" and "gaywatch."

Richard Gere Posse: Everybody's "Pregnant"

While this blog is intended to mostly highlight the things in my own life that I find awesome, there are those times when things are NAFF and I must speak up about them. For those times, there is the clasification "Richard Gere Posse"
This term, meant in a derogatory manner stems from a conversation I had with my BFF (dre, you know who you are) whereby I got unnaturally angry at Richard Gere for something unrelated to him. As such, the name lives on, and you will see this delightful picture to signal when something is "not on"

Explanation: Richard Gere Posse