Ahhhh, pseudo Mezzican food. I am working right now at a place across the street from the famed Burrito Boyz burrito stand. As such, it is a reguar haunt for my workmates, who have a system in place to answer the nagging question, "which burrito do I choose?" (Initially posed by Rene Descartes, I believe.) Here it is. I particularly love the "beep beep boop" noises.

Interwebitude: The Burritoizer

Um, yeah... So last weekend I had the dubious pleasure of attending the "4th Annual Drinks Show" (really? what kind of gong show were the previous ones?) I honestly thought, given my experience with events sponsored by alcohol companies that it would be good, and at the very least, it would be fun.

Well.... to borrow a phrase from Malcolm, it was a SHIT SHOW. It was puzzlingly held at the Toronto Brickworks, which looks like a cross between a hot house circa 1800 and some kind of internment camp. Well, looks aren't everything. Surely for the twenty bones you shell out, you get something fun, right? for your 20 dollhairs, you got... a miniature (less than a shot size) mixed drink! THAT'S IT. "Perhaps you get free food?" We wondered, as food was mentioned. No, tickets for barely palatable cater-fare were 5 dollars each.

So what WAS there? Well, tickets for a predetermined list of full-sized "new" drinks were 7 dollars each. those aforementioned "tasters" were 2 dollars each. The problem here is that for 25 cents and up, I could have tried anything here at the Summerhill liquor store, and not have had to contend with the sights (obese-multi-tattooed woman wearing more faux python than hair dye (a fight to the finish)) the sounds (music that even the Entertainment District has given up on) and smells (awful food, Portisheads, and cigarettes wafting in from the ramshackle "smoker's area" mmmmm. )

So what about the drinks? They were not terrible, but tended toward White Trash alcopop rather than a quaffer's delight.

One thing that was particularly lame was the COMPLETE LACK of any kind of promotions from the partners. Where were the things people live for, swag-wise? Jamieson golf balls, Cruzan Rum Leis, Sauza lime tchotchkes? There wasn't a contest, a giveaway, or themed pen in sight. MISSED OPPORTUNITY. There weren't even people dressed up as stuff! Everyone loves that. The idea for enabling the partners to brand and have fun with end users was lost in a sea of "pay us money and eff off."

The final nail in the coffin of this atrocity was the "free shuttle service" courtesy of several "hop on/hop off" tour companies in the city. Getting there was fine, and went off without a hitch. Getting back was ANOTHER MATTER ENTIRELY. You see, you need a venue that has an easily accessible driveway for the de facto form of transportation (parking was not available, so it was cabs or shuttle.) One where the transport can TURN AROUND, and also maneuver with a stream of cabs moving in and out, and having a growing throng of drunken rubes trying to figure out what's going on (in an extra level of complexity, there were 2 routes for the shuttles, which caused mass hysteria.)

This Richard Gere Posse entry is dedicated to the 20 dollars I spent to spend time with people the likes of which I have rarely seen outside of a small town "legion" function. I hope it was worth losing your life to such a poorly executed (but not entirely effing stupid) idea. RIP little buddy.
Below please find a "re-enactment" taken from Flavor of Love Charm School

Richard Gere Posse: The DINKS SHOW

Summertime means grillin and chillin, and you need a food layer to put down before you drink too many Bourbon Sours. This is a definitive recipe for something only gee dash dee could come up with.... Churrasco Chicken. A favourite of the Portuguese, and the non-Portuguese-in-the-know, Churrasco Chicken is based on a fairly standard chicken recipe popular in the Mediterranean: Chicken marinated in Lemon, Olive Oil, Salt, and Garlic, but in this case, it's grilled low and slow, and dressed with piri-piri sauce (A favourite of mine is Nando's.) I used to live in little Portugal, and since I was a poor student, we used to eat this at "Chicken King" all the time. This recipe is something that once you have it, you crave it, and once you crave it, you NEED to eat it. Here, then, is the recipe:

Churrasco Chicken

4 Chicken Legs
Juice of one Large Lemon
1/3 Cup Olive Oil
2-3 teaspoons Kosher Salt
3-4 Peeled Garlic Cloves

In a minichopper, blend lemon juice, olive oil, salt and garlic until emulsified. put legs and liquid in a freezer zip bag. Refrigerate minimum 2 hours, maximum 24 hours.

Preheat an oven to 350 degrees. Cook Chicken for 45 minutes to one hour, or until temperature registers 180 degrees on a thermometer. Alternatively, cook on a medium hot grill until juices run clear. Serve with piri piri sauce.

Munchitude: Churrasco Chicken Recipe

Like another entry in the HoF, Fresca, Ovaltine is one of those items readily found in your grandmother's house. Well, guess what kids? Your nan was one smart bitch! Ovaltine is what Jesus would drink if he was in need of enriched, chocomalty refreshment. I typically drink a lot of Ovaltine in the winter, but it is KILLER in the summer in icy milk. (Fuck frappuccinos. Baristas think you're white trash for ordering them, fyi) Ovaltine also gets by on the technicality that if you don't look at the sugar content, it's healthy (that's why it used to have the busty Teuton on the label.)

Another serving suggestion is to add it to your sweet cream base when making ice cream. If you are in a hurry, add it to your fixings for a milkshake, or you can sprinkle it over vanilla ice cream like my dad (if there is no Ghirardelli drinking chocolate about.) The key is this: it's not Quik. It's chocolate and malt together. It is a liquid Malteser of refreshing awesomeitude. Ovaltine, I salute you.

Munchitude Hall of Fame: Ovaltine

Chocolate for me is not one of those things I partake in all the time (since I kicked my Snickers-a-day habit in University.) But when I do have it, I'm picky. It is for this reason that I spent years watching my dad eat Wunderbars and thinking it was not terribly appealing. (It looks like your basic "log" style chocolate bar, which I'm not very partial to.) Well, one year, there were Wunderbars in a selection of Hallowe'en candy. I mistakingly ate one while watching something on television, not paying attention. This mistake was perhaps the best mistake of my life. Wunderbar is peanut buttery, but not unctuous, butterfingery without being cloying, and caramelly without being a sugar bomb. (If you can get your hands on them, the miniature ones actually have a better chocolate-to-filling than the big ones.) Basically, it is the classic trifecta of the chocolate barmaker's art: caramel, peanut butter and an unexpected texture. This has become my new mix-in for my ice cream recipe.

Munchitude: Wunderbar!

At a recent event at Toronto's Drake Hotel (please stop having corporates here. Can we just say it's done? They did have an "all ages dance party" there recently.) Renee and I remarked on how much we love my favourite summer tipple, the Bourbon Sour (they actually make really tasty ones there, to their credit, even if the Sky Yard smells like effluent.)

The first time I tried a really good Bourbon sour was at the Southern Accent Restaurant in Mirvish Village. It advertises itself as "Dare ya to find one better, even in the quarter." Well, I haven't thank you very much.

To describe the taste of a bourbon sour is to describe heaven itself. Strong, tart, sweet and bitter, all rolled into one, it's a delight for citrus fans. The flavour is incredibly well balanced, and I think that's why I am a fan.

Here is a recipe that yields a great one, when used with a mid-shelf bourbon (pictured) , and freshly squeezed lemon juice. Alternatively, you can mix it with sour mix, recipe also follows:

Bourbon Sour Recipe

in a cocktail shaker mix:
1/3 c ice cubes
2 oz bourbon
1 oz lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon superfine (fruit) sugar

shake well, garnish with lemon or lime wedge (fuck maraschinos)

Alternatively, make sour mix, substituting 1 ounce of it for the lemon and sugar in the previous recipe (makes a sweeter, more viscous mix):

Sour mix

mix in a saucepan:
1 c sugar
1 c water

Heat mixture on medium heat on stovetop. Dissolve sugar thoroughly. Cool mixture, and add 1 cup of freshly squeezed lemon juice (or combination of lemon and lime) Store in the fridge.

Munchitude: Bourbon Sours

Fresca. Permanent resident of your grandmothers' fridge. It is hopelessly unstylish, but it tastes like sparkly Jesus. Fresca, the pink grapefuit sugar free soda that was the first diet soda on the market has been rebranded by Coke to be more hip. I'm just happy I can find it now. It tastes like Ting or Wink (depending of where you come from) and that is citrusy, snappy, and delicious. it even comes in two variants: peach and black cherry, which are equally good, but faced with a three way choice, I am a purist. Also, a note to Doug: it's not ORANGE, or is it made from oranges, or does it taste like orange, but it DOES go well with tequila for those times when you want to tie one on in public but don't want to get arrested.

Munchitude: Fresca

It's no secret that I LOVE ICE CREAM. When I was in University, I used to visit Greg's Ice Cream weekly, even in winter. My obsession only grew. I bought a Cuisinart Ice Cream maker and this book and I began experimenting with all sorts of methods of preparing it. The key to it is to find the "sweet cream base" (plain ice cream, there isn't even vanilla in it) and then work from there. Here now, I present to you my favourite Sweet cream base that makes a 1 quart batch of ice cream:


1 Cup Whipping Cream
1 Cup Half and Half
2 egg yolks
1 cup condensed milk

measure and mix all ingredients in a glass volume measuring pitcher (easiest method) using a whisk to make the mix incorporates properly. chill in fridge for 1/2 hour. Add mixture to ice cream maker and prepare according to manufacturer's instructions. Add mix ins last.

a few notes:

• don't add liquor or salt: it changes the freezing point of the ice cream.
• add about 2 teaspoons of flavouring to the mixture if desired (if using liquid flavouring from the grocery store)
• fruit seems like a good idea, but often makes for an uneven, ice-laden batch. I save fruit for the topping.

Munchitude Hall of Fame: Ice Cream Recipe!

There is a story behind how I tried this wine for the first time. I HATE wine with cutesy names because I am elitist. Flash back to last year. I was at the Summerhill liquor store in Toronto, looking for something very specific for my dad: an unoaked chardonnay from New Zealand. It was this or "cat's pee", and I wasn't having that. Since this bottle was a touch spendier and was in the "vintages" department, I gave it a whirl. Honeslty, it's one of the most delightful summer whites I have ever drunk. Peachy and citrusy, with an unctuous texture, this is really a great bottle to try, and hey, it did get some yuks from the old man!

Munchitude: Mothercluckers Gisborne Chardonnay

Some of the best ideas in life are also the simplest. This is no exception. Coming from Amy Sedaris via her brother, the Rooster, and featured in her book I Like You.

Instructions:
How to make a fuckit bucket
Go get a 1 gallon paintpail
Fill it with candy, write
Fuck it Bucket on it
when shit gets you down
just say Fuck it, and
eat some motherfuckin'
candy

Paul Sedaris
The Rooster

Sane advice in a crazy world.

Awesomeitude Hall of Fame: The Fuck It Bucket

Sweet baby Jesus and the Orphans! I just went to Pusateri's and they had CHERRIES! Cherries are proof that God exists, plain and simple. They taste like HEAVEN. I have tried now for about 3 years unsuccessfully to mainline and freebase them (the old fashioned way is still the best, but it does slow you down.) Anyway, if you need me, I'll be the one with the cherryface in the corner.

Munchitude: Cherries!