Um, yeah... So last weekend I had the dubious pleasure of attending the "4th Annual Drinks Show" (really? what kind of gong show were the previous ones?) I honestly thought, given my experience with events sponsored by alcohol companies that it would be good, and at the very least, it would be fun.

Well.... to borrow a phrase from Malcolm, it was a SHIT SHOW. It was puzzlingly held at the Toronto Brickworks, which looks like a cross between a hot house circa 1800 and some kind of internment camp. Well, looks aren't everything. Surely for the twenty bones you shell out, you get something fun, right? for your 20 dollhairs, you got... a miniature (less than a shot size) mixed drink! THAT'S IT. "Perhaps you get free food?" We wondered, as food was mentioned. No, tickets for barely palatable cater-fare were 5 dollars each.

So what WAS there? Well, tickets for a predetermined list of full-sized "new" drinks were 7 dollars each. those aforementioned "tasters" were 2 dollars each. The problem here is that for 25 cents and up, I could have tried anything here at the Summerhill liquor store, and not have had to contend with the sights (obese-multi-tattooed woman wearing more faux python than hair dye (a fight to the finish)) the sounds (music that even the Entertainment District has given up on) and smells (awful food, Portisheads, and cigarettes wafting in from the ramshackle "smoker's area" mmmmm. )

So what about the drinks? They were not terrible, but tended toward White Trash alcopop rather than a quaffer's delight.

One thing that was particularly lame was the COMPLETE LACK of any kind of promotions from the partners. Where were the things people live for, swag-wise? Jamieson golf balls, Cruzan Rum Leis, Sauza lime tchotchkes? There wasn't a contest, a giveaway, or themed pen in sight. MISSED OPPORTUNITY. There weren't even people dressed up as stuff! Everyone loves that. The idea for enabling the partners to brand and have fun with end users was lost in a sea of "pay us money and eff off."

The final nail in the coffin of this atrocity was the "free shuttle service" courtesy of several "hop on/hop off" tour companies in the city. Getting there was fine, and went off without a hitch. Getting back was ANOTHER MATTER ENTIRELY. You see, you need a venue that has an easily accessible driveway for the de facto form of transportation (parking was not available, so it was cabs or shuttle.) One where the transport can TURN AROUND, and also maneuver with a stream of cabs moving in and out, and having a growing throng of drunken rubes trying to figure out what's going on (in an extra level of complexity, there were 2 routes for the shuttles, which caused mass hysteria.)

This Richard Gere Posse entry is dedicated to the 20 dollars I spent to spend time with people the likes of which I have rarely seen outside of a small town "legion" function. I hope it was worth losing your life to such a poorly executed (but not entirely effing stupid) idea. RIP little buddy.
Below please find a "re-enactment" taken from Flavor of Love Charm School

Richard Gere Posse: The DINKS SHOW

Puga and I had to attend a mandatory training course one week to learn how to program in Java. It was pretty dreadful, and we ended up making our own fun. First Puga invented an applet that basically made you trip out if you looked at it (it DID start out looking like a tree when he started, as per the manual.) The other thing we ended up doing was scouring the interwebulator. We came upon this, and it was only due to a recent discussion about spamusement and other gems of dissociation from work that we remembered this pantpisser's delight, Click through to see some amazing reinterpretations of the original covers from the popular "Choose Your Own Adventure" series.

Triumphs of Interwebitude: Choose Your Own Adventure Covers

I am a notorious web video nerd. There have been many high points (the He-Man rendition of "What's Going On?") and LOW points (Ray and TC watching endless hours of people farting on camera.) What I hope to do with Esses and Gees is put up all the stuff I love in one spot. There's not a lot of commentary, so it's perfect for those who don't read. Enjoy!

Shameless Flossin': Esses and Gees

We're all familiar with White Trash. It's not hard to see or make fun of WTs because the humour is so base. But what about the other 1/3 of society? What about those who live comfortably, but can't seem to make things leap from the pages of Instyle magazine seamlessly into their daily lives? In the words of Kim of Australia's Kath and Kim, "It's not easy being a hornbag." Kath and Kim takes place in suburban Melbourne where Kath lives a highly erotic life with partner/purveyor of fine meats Kel (and one damned fine hunk of spunk.) Kath's adult daughter intermittently lives at Kath's townhouse, depending on whether her and her husband are speaking, and depending on their "effluence." The show is a perfect pastiche of middle class suburban life regardless of location. The characters are all broadly drawn, but it is a pleasure to watch whereas most American familial sitcoms have been long dead since the Simpsons rolled into town to eviscerate the medium. They also take turns answering the tough questions, like "The Jade Tikis vs the Fuzzy Kiwis" (vis-a-vis which earrings are more appropriate with a Mango Espadrille) It's well worth searching about a bit to get your hands on. More info here, and clip follows:

Teevitude: Better than Tim Tams: Kath and Kim

For young nerds like me once upon a time, TLC used to be the treasure trove of television goodies: lists of essential novels, explorations of science, and the show that kicked all their asses: Connections. James Burke's series (There were three iterations) explored the history of science and technological development in a way that no one else looked at information at the time: By linking all the ideas together in a "web" that transcended time and space, but somehow created irrefutable connections between discrete ideas. It was innovative, engaging, and mind blowing, and it did something only the best TV does: it changed the way I thought. To be clear, it did not change my opinions, it changed the way I actually connected informational tidbits in my own mind. I thank James Burke for the change he made in my life, and I salute you, good sir. Below is the very first episode. The show is finished, but James is still active on the web here. A fun tribute to him is here

Nostalgitude: James Burke's Connections

I love History. I love the Beeb. I love how the Beeb does history. A series of programs called "What the _____ Did For Us" (Where the blank denotes a period of History, such as the Tudor Dynasty) is quite simply the best possible type of Historical programming. Full of humour, sassy tidbits, and links between human foibles and the inventions they inspired, each episode engages and entertains. The demonstrations of inventions are a highlight, as are host Adam Hart-Davis' many costume changes. Here is a snippet of "What the ancients did for us"

Brittannitude: British Teevitude you're not watching, but should

In a recent discussion with Puga, we recalled a fond time at the evil empire when we spent the better part of a day reading the comic stylings of spamusement (and making a lot of people wonder wth was so gee dee funny.) The concept is simple, and the execution is incredible: titles of spam emails translated into comic panels (pictured here is "Impress the Females") What's great is that they are very rarely literal translations of the material. The author really has fun with the subject manner in a way that doesn't go to the lowest common denominator. Enjoy, and poisson urinal!

Interwebitude: Spamusement

Anyone who knows me knows 2 things: 1) I love costumes, and 2) I love to call people douchebags. It is no surprise, then, that when I happened upon this website, I was instantly charmed. Like another humour site, spamusement, Rock and Roll Confidential's Hall of Douchebags is a treat for the eyes, and an instant pick-me-up for office doldrums. This is a well-edited collection of bad band photos that is purely shittastic. Once you begin your trip through the hall, be prepared to lose yourself for an hour or more. The humour on the site is incisive, inflammatory, and spot-on. Interesting is the curator's note that a great many bad band photos are taken at train tracks, in front of brick walls. Give'r.

more douchebags here

Interwebitude: Rock and Roll Confidential's Hall of Douchebags

Summertime means grillin and chillin, and you need a food layer to put down before you drink too many Bourbon Sours. This is a definitive recipe for something only gee dash dee could come up with.... Churrasco Chicken. A favourite of the Portuguese, and the non-Portuguese-in-the-know, Churrasco Chicken is based on a fairly standard chicken recipe popular in the Mediterranean: Chicken marinated in Lemon, Olive Oil, Salt, and Garlic, but in this case, it's grilled low and slow, and dressed with piri-piri sauce (A favourite of mine is Nando's.) I used to live in little Portugal, and since I was a poor student, we used to eat this at "Chicken King" all the time. This recipe is something that once you have it, you crave it, and once you crave it, you NEED to eat it. Here, then, is the recipe:

Churrasco Chicken

4 Chicken Legs
Juice of one Large Lemon
1/3 Cup Olive Oil
2-3 teaspoons Kosher Salt
3-4 Peeled Garlic Cloves

In a minichopper, blend lemon juice, olive oil, salt and garlic until emulsified. put legs and liquid in a freezer zip bag. Refrigerate minimum 2 hours, maximum 24 hours.

Preheat an oven to 350 degrees. Cook Chicken for 45 minutes to one hour, or until temperature registers 180 degrees on a thermometer. Alternatively, cook on a medium hot grill until juices run clear. Serve with piri piri sauce.

Munchitude: Churrasco Chicken Recipe

So, there I was, minding my own business when a text came through from Puga. (We had just gone to the Black Camel, one of my favourite lunch places in town, so I was wondering what was up his clunge) and all it said was "White Stripes show yonge at grosvenor. NOW." I put on some sensible shoes and ran for my life 4 blocks south to meet them. Sho 'nuff, we walked into the Y and saw a buffet of hipsterz lining the hallways, and a clearly live version of "Apple Blossom" was playing. It was definitely cool being there, even if the set list was short and it was for the kiddies. (Hipsterz all over the city are secretly wishing they hadn't forced their girlfriends to get "the big A" today)
Setlist:

• Apple Blossom
• Martyr For My Love For You
• Hotel Yorba
• We 're Going to be Friends

no photos or video were allowed (thanks to a cunty woman who used "THE CHILDREN" as her reason for being such a bitch... but what was the reason for her hippie witch hair and lack of bra?) Here's a clip of them on Conan:

Breaking Awesomeitude: White Stripes Show at the Grosvenor St Y