ZOMGWTFBBQ AWESOMEITUDE

In an effort to get better at things that I wasn't previously good at, I picked up a kit at the Ladybug Florist that let me grow a forget-me-not plant from seed. Well, it sprouted, and I treated it ever so gingerly, and it continued to grow (SFW.) I then was forced to transplant it, and I went back to Ladybug for advice. (They laughed at me as though I was asking about which way to hold up a book.) So, I transplanted it and eargerly awaited blooms. It grew and grew, and I was poised for it's flowering magesty, which, I was convinced would be coming at any moment. Dre would ask me DAILY the flower status, and for months it never came. Imagine my Gobsmackery when on Wednesday of last week, I was looking out the window to see which car's alarm was going off, and I saw something unusual. Something clustery and green, not leafy. Well, as you can see, my forget me not,which I raised from a seed with my formerly "brown thumb" (a/k/a cut flowers only) has bloomed! SUCK IT, NATURE!

Suck it, Nature

Movitude: Superbad

Ahhhh, pseudo Mezzican food. I am working right now at a place across the street from the famed Burrito Boyz burrito stand. As such, it is a reguar haunt for my workmates, who have a system in place to answer the nagging question, "which burrito do I choose?" (Initially posed by Rene Descartes, I believe.) Here it is. I particularly love the "beep beep boop" noises.

Interwebitude: The Burritoizer

I visited the family this weekend and on a trip out with my mother, we bumped into this woman who lives next door to the house in which my late Grandfather used to live. She told my mother she had a package for her. It seems that the new owners of the house have decided to renovate, and removed the old gas range (classical midcentury design if there ever was such) in favour of new fixtures. SFW? I'll tell you SFW... they found postcards and letters which had fallen behind the oven. Among them is this gem... in keeping with my Great Aunt Gladys and my Grandmothers' bad taste. Click the thumbnail for larger version.

Nostalgitude Special Edition: Postcard from beyond...

To every thing, turn, turn, turn. There was once a time at the evil empire when Ryan and I used to amuse ourselves when we had a free moment. One afternoon, we nearly pissed our pants over this gem which stays in our hearts and lexicon today. Bubb, we'se onna pour out a fo'ty on the curb for y'alls.

Nostalgitude: Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis

I feel like I'm repeating my sentiments about Rescue Me coming back (which wasn't borne out in practise. This season is meh.) but Sweet BJ and the Os! Weeds is coming back! And this time, it's for realz and for serious! Last season's cliffhanger featured a 3 way drug deal gone bad, a dead husband/DEA agent, a son on the run with purloined weed pulled over by Agrestic police, and another son on the run heading to "Pittsburgh" with a brilliantly batshit crazy Zooey Deschanel. That's about as cliffhangy as it gets. Well, I can reveal (having seen the first 3 episodes, which begin airing on Showtime on August 13 at 10 pm, that there is an even more gripping turn of events for each of the plot points listed previously. Things remain murky, but still twist and turn and move forward for these episodes. It's absolutely a top pick for this summer, running neck and neck with the equally twisty Big Love. Below is the promo for this year's season.

Teevitude: Weeds!

I love language, as you'll know from this post, but when I came across this prose, I had to show it off as a great example of WTF:

"With physical Mars now in earthy Taurus, as he receives a blast from Uranus the Awakener, you Goats are primed and ready for action."

Proofreading is your friend. People expect horoscopes to be kooky (I keep this on my iGoogle just for Esses and Gees) but this may be a bridge too far.

Englishitude: My Inexblicably Poorly Written Horoscope

Sweet Baby Jesus and the Orphans! The State is coming to DVD! If you like Reno 911, Stella, The Wet Hot American Summer, and countless more tengentially connected shows and film you will love THE STATE. To put it succinctly, it was in the pantheon of killer shows that didn't last such as Arrested Development and Mr Show. It was the show too cool for the US's coolest network, MTV, and took every chance it had to take the piss. Here's the DVD announcement from David Wain's myspace

Sweet Baby Jesus and the Orphans! The State is coming to DVD

I tend to have certain rituals in life, probably due to being raised in an highly organised OCD house. One such ritual that forms today's nostalgitude entry is Star Trek: The Animated Series. At one time, Teletoon was a ramshackle group of cheap animation, and this, in a manner of speaking, was its flagship. Dre and I used to watch it every Friday night before going out to the club. Now I am not a Trekkie, nor am I here to harsh on Trekkies. I am here to vouch for something which is integral in all great works of art: the medium must suit the subject matter. I hereby put forth that this medium was the perfect one for the subject matter.

For one delightful year, Filmation studios put forth an animated version of the series using all the original actors. Some of the best-loved storylines are reworked in this half hour series. Everyone is well aware of the camp of the original, which has been lampooned to death, but somehow the animated version just works. The storytelling is tighter, the voice work is better than the onscreen presence of some of the iconic actors, and the fantasy seems more plausible. Perhaps it doesn't believe its own hype, and that's something it has over the original. Here's part one of a classic episode. Others are a google away.

Nostalgitude: Star Trek: The Animated Series

Um, yeah... So last weekend I had the dubious pleasure of attending the "4th Annual Drinks Show" (really? what kind of gong show were the previous ones?) I honestly thought, given my experience with events sponsored by alcohol companies that it would be good, and at the very least, it would be fun.

Well.... to borrow a phrase from Malcolm, it was a SHIT SHOW. It was puzzlingly held at the Toronto Brickworks, which looks like a cross between a hot house circa 1800 and some kind of internment camp. Well, looks aren't everything. Surely for the twenty bones you shell out, you get something fun, right? for your 20 dollhairs, you got... a miniature (less than a shot size) mixed drink! THAT'S IT. "Perhaps you get free food?" We wondered, as food was mentioned. No, tickets for barely palatable cater-fare were 5 dollars each.

So what WAS there? Well, tickets for a predetermined list of full-sized "new" drinks were 7 dollars each. those aforementioned "tasters" were 2 dollars each. The problem here is that for 25 cents and up, I could have tried anything here at the Summerhill liquor store, and not have had to contend with the sights (obese-multi-tattooed woman wearing more faux python than hair dye (a fight to the finish)) the sounds (music that even the Entertainment District has given up on) and smells (awful food, Portisheads, and cigarettes wafting in from the ramshackle "smoker's area" mmmmm. )

So what about the drinks? They were not terrible, but tended toward White Trash alcopop rather than a quaffer's delight.

One thing that was particularly lame was the COMPLETE LACK of any kind of promotions from the partners. Where were the things people live for, swag-wise? Jamieson golf balls, Cruzan Rum Leis, Sauza lime tchotchkes? There wasn't a contest, a giveaway, or themed pen in sight. MISSED OPPORTUNITY. There weren't even people dressed up as stuff! Everyone loves that. The idea for enabling the partners to brand and have fun with end users was lost in a sea of "pay us money and eff off."

The final nail in the coffin of this atrocity was the "free shuttle service" courtesy of several "hop on/hop off" tour companies in the city. Getting there was fine, and went off without a hitch. Getting back was ANOTHER MATTER ENTIRELY. You see, you need a venue that has an easily accessible driveway for the de facto form of transportation (parking was not available, so it was cabs or shuttle.) One where the transport can TURN AROUND, and also maneuver with a stream of cabs moving in and out, and having a growing throng of drunken rubes trying to figure out what's going on (in an extra level of complexity, there were 2 routes for the shuttles, which caused mass hysteria.)

This Richard Gere Posse entry is dedicated to the 20 dollars I spent to spend time with people the likes of which I have rarely seen outside of a small town "legion" function. I hope it was worth losing your life to such a poorly executed (but not entirely effing stupid) idea. RIP little buddy.
Below please find a "re-enactment" taken from Flavor of Love Charm School

Richard Gere Posse: The DINKS SHOW

Puga and I had to attend a mandatory training course one week to learn how to program in Java. It was pretty dreadful, and we ended up making our own fun. First Puga invented an applet that basically made you trip out if you looked at it (it DID start out looking like a tree when he started, as per the manual.) The other thing we ended up doing was scouring the interwebulator. We came upon this, and it was only due to a recent discussion about spamusement and other gems of dissociation from work that we remembered this pantpisser's delight, Click through to see some amazing reinterpretations of the original covers from the popular "Choose Your Own Adventure" series.

Triumphs of Interwebitude: Choose Your Own Adventure Covers

I am a notorious web video nerd. There have been many high points (the He-Man rendition of "What's Going On?") and LOW points (Ray and TC watching endless hours of people farting on camera.) What I hope to do with Esses and Gees is put up all the stuff I love in one spot. There's not a lot of commentary, so it's perfect for those who don't read. Enjoy!

Shameless Flossin': Esses and Gees

We're all familiar with White Trash. It's not hard to see or make fun of WTs because the humour is so base. But what about the other 1/3 of society? What about those who live comfortably, but can't seem to make things leap from the pages of Instyle magazine seamlessly into their daily lives? In the words of Kim of Australia's Kath and Kim, "It's not easy being a hornbag." Kath and Kim takes place in suburban Melbourne where Kath lives a highly erotic life with partner/purveyor of fine meats Kel (and one damned fine hunk of spunk.) Kath's adult daughter intermittently lives at Kath's townhouse, depending on whether her and her husband are speaking, and depending on their "effluence." The show is a perfect pastiche of middle class suburban life regardless of location. The characters are all broadly drawn, but it is a pleasure to watch whereas most American familial sitcoms have been long dead since the Simpsons rolled into town to eviscerate the medium. They also take turns answering the tough questions, like "The Jade Tikis vs the Fuzzy Kiwis" (vis-a-vis which earrings are more appropriate with a Mango Espadrille) It's well worth searching about a bit to get your hands on. More info here, and clip follows:

Teevitude: Better than Tim Tams: Kath and Kim

For young nerds like me once upon a time, TLC used to be the treasure trove of television goodies: lists of essential novels, explorations of science, and the show that kicked all their asses: Connections. James Burke's series (There were three iterations) explored the history of science and technological development in a way that no one else looked at information at the time: By linking all the ideas together in a "web" that transcended time and space, but somehow created irrefutable connections between discrete ideas. It was innovative, engaging, and mind blowing, and it did something only the best TV does: it changed the way I thought. To be clear, it did not change my opinions, it changed the way I actually connected informational tidbits in my own mind. I thank James Burke for the change he made in my life, and I salute you, good sir. Below is the very first episode. The show is finished, but James is still active on the web here. A fun tribute to him is here

Nostalgitude: James Burke's Connections

I love History. I love the Beeb. I love how the Beeb does history. A series of programs called "What the _____ Did For Us" (Where the blank denotes a period of History, such as the Tudor Dynasty) is quite simply the best possible type of Historical programming. Full of humour, sassy tidbits, and links between human foibles and the inventions they inspired, each episode engages and entertains. The demonstrations of inventions are a highlight, as are host Adam Hart-Davis' many costume changes. Here is a snippet of "What the ancients did for us"

Brittannitude: British Teevitude you're not watching, but should

In a recent discussion with Puga, we recalled a fond time at the evil empire when we spent the better part of a day reading the comic stylings of spamusement (and making a lot of people wonder wth was so gee dee funny.) The concept is simple, and the execution is incredible: titles of spam emails translated into comic panels (pictured here is "Impress the Females") What's great is that they are very rarely literal translations of the material. The author really has fun with the subject manner in a way that doesn't go to the lowest common denominator. Enjoy, and poisson urinal!

Interwebitude: Spamusement

Anyone who knows me knows 2 things: 1) I love costumes, and 2) I love to call people douchebags. It is no surprise, then, that when I happened upon this website, I was instantly charmed. Like another humour site, spamusement, Rock and Roll Confidential's Hall of Douchebags is a treat for the eyes, and an instant pick-me-up for office doldrums. This is a well-edited collection of bad band photos that is purely shittastic. Once you begin your trip through the hall, be prepared to lose yourself for an hour or more. The humour on the site is incisive, inflammatory, and spot-on. Interesting is the curator's note that a great many bad band photos are taken at train tracks, in front of brick walls. Give'r.

more douchebags here

Interwebitude: Rock and Roll Confidential's Hall of Douchebags

Summertime means grillin and chillin, and you need a food layer to put down before you drink too many Bourbon Sours. This is a definitive recipe for something only gee dash dee could come up with.... Churrasco Chicken. A favourite of the Portuguese, and the non-Portuguese-in-the-know, Churrasco Chicken is based on a fairly standard chicken recipe popular in the Mediterranean: Chicken marinated in Lemon, Olive Oil, Salt, and Garlic, but in this case, it's grilled low and slow, and dressed with piri-piri sauce (A favourite of mine is Nando's.) I used to live in little Portugal, and since I was a poor student, we used to eat this at "Chicken King" all the time. This recipe is something that once you have it, you crave it, and once you crave it, you NEED to eat it. Here, then, is the recipe:

Churrasco Chicken

4 Chicken Legs
Juice of one Large Lemon
1/3 Cup Olive Oil
2-3 teaspoons Kosher Salt
3-4 Peeled Garlic Cloves

In a minichopper, blend lemon juice, olive oil, salt and garlic until emulsified. put legs and liquid in a freezer zip bag. Refrigerate minimum 2 hours, maximum 24 hours.

Preheat an oven to 350 degrees. Cook Chicken for 45 minutes to one hour, or until temperature registers 180 degrees on a thermometer. Alternatively, cook on a medium hot grill until juices run clear. Serve with piri piri sauce.

Munchitude: Churrasco Chicken Recipe

So, there I was, minding my own business when a text came through from Puga. (We had just gone to the Black Camel, one of my favourite lunch places in town, so I was wondering what was up his clunge) and all it said was "White Stripes show yonge at grosvenor. NOW." I put on some sensible shoes and ran for my life 4 blocks south to meet them. Sho 'nuff, we walked into the Y and saw a buffet of hipsterz lining the hallways, and a clearly live version of "Apple Blossom" was playing. It was definitely cool being there, even if the set list was short and it was for the kiddies. (Hipsterz all over the city are secretly wishing they hadn't forced their girlfriends to get "the big A" today)
Setlist:

• Apple Blossom
• Martyr For My Love For You
• Hotel Yorba
• We 're Going to be Friends

no photos or video were allowed (thanks to a cunty woman who used "THE CHILDREN" as her reason for being such a bitch... but what was the reason for her hippie witch hair and lack of bra?) Here's a clip of them on Conan:

Breaking Awesomeitude: White Stripes Show at the Grosvenor St Y

Although I am often told I laugh at everything (Corey used to have a poem about me laughing, and that laugh was FAMOUS when I was at the evil empire) I am picky when it comes to "Comix." All that changed the day I opened up HK magazine and caught my first Tom The Dancing Bug comic. From then on I was hooked on the crazy throwbacks, searing assessments of celebrity culture, old tymey references, and of course liberal disgust with the current administration. It's actually staggering how much diversity there is in the strips from week to week, and some of them are so detailed, they take a while to read. He never loses his bite, in any given week, a bite I would liken to an old bitchy drunk lady at the country club. (It's FANTASTIC!) It's here for your perusal and RSS is here.

Comix: Tom the Dancing Bug

It's the answer to the question noone asked: "Who is the best matchmaker in Buffalo, New York?" Patti Novak is the tough-talking (and rough-accented) matchmaker with the mostest, and the subject of the eerily addictive show Confessions of a Matchmaker on A&E. In addition to a parade of midwestern shit shows who are SINGLE FOR A REASON, there are incredibly compelling candidates, like John, the subject of the pilot (it's easy to see how this show was sold.) John, after relaying his 41-year-old virgin status and BOMBING on a date with a girl, who, by Patti's own admission "has to have it," John is subjected to an heart to heart, the product of which lands him a date with a man. What happens next is simply incredible. The show is gripping. Set your Tivos to get it Saturdays at 10.
check it out here:

Schadenfreude: Confessions of a Matchmaker on A&E

Maybe it's the extreme heat that is causing the RGP entries to come hard and fast, but this needs to be said: Paul McCartney deserves to be in the Richard Gere Posse as an official Knight of the Gerbil. Wha? you say? He's a Beatle. Everyone loves a Beatle. No everyone does NOT love a Beatle, and the best songs they had had sweet fuck all (to borrow a phrase from my dad) to do with him. Need more convincing? Worst James Bond Theme in the history of the series (not so fast Chris Cornell, you were next.) Still more you say? WINGS. I win. Also, what kind of class A DOUCHENOZZLE makes unsuspecting Starbucks workers listen to his song on a 24 hour loop? Get over yourself. His poor wife had to get titty cancer just to get rid of him. Oh wait, if you're still a hold out... here's the piece de resistance:

Richard Gere Posse: Sir Paul McDouchebag

It's the term that has become synonymous with old ladies and uglitude: Crocs. Luckily, these cheap ass magee shoes are transforming. Crocs release a staggering number of new styles, and among them are these TOTALLY KAWAII ballerina flats, which, although not indicated in the photo, are silver. I ordered these the moment I saw them here. I was not disappointed. The shoes are light, comfortable, have arch support (something fabric ones from Chinatown do not) and best of all, the Croslite material is bacteriostatic (meaning no stank.) Highly recommended for people who HATE flats but sometimes see the necessity for them (too many nights out in a row in spiked heels and wedges.)

Kawaii: Crocs Prima Ballerina Flats

This is not another "LOLLERZ VIDS" site, but this movie is pretty damned funny and I'm posting it for selfish reasons. This clip reminds me of when Ryan and I used to work at the evil empire and make each other piss our pants. Long live catty comments, der fingerpoken, Heat magazine's ARSEMARES and this, 80's ending....

Interwebitude: Oldn but a Goodn: 80s ending

Who doesn't like dumb sluts? I certainly do. Who doesn't like monkeyshines? One look at my facebook would tell you I absolutely do. What I do not cotton to is when dumb sluts get into monkeyshines that are potentially deadly and then act like everyone totally does it too. Such is the case with Paris Hilton, who historically does her best work at night. One thing us bitches do agree on is In N Out burger (I am slightly harder core in my lurve for the Christian-themed burgers, having once called the hotline to find the closest one. It was on Crenshaw Boulevard. Bob and I took a cab at 3am. Bob likes 'em Animal style.) But this is not about deliciousness. This is about Twattitude. My father was nearly killed when I was a child as a result of a drunk driver. It is not something to be flip about. So, excuse me if I don't have sympathy that your roots had to go black and your blue contacts had to come out. However, I am happy to see that in the absence of your social candy, you have put on weight in the clink, making the lesson hit you where you live. Since your whole world is tied up in your gigantic-footed body, I'm glad Los Angeles County could help spread the message that DUIs are not a joke. You could end up like one of those "fat people who drink diet coke." Enjoy your freedom, ya fat cunt!

Richard Gere Posse: Fatass Magee's She-UI

Lizzadiez, we all want nice tits, and in my experience, it is achievable for every woman with the right bras. Enter the greatest online bra shop on earth: Figleaves. This shop's entire reason for living is to give you a nice rack (and no VPL.) They have an EXHAUSTIVE list of sizes (from 28 AA to 56FF.) This may seem unnecessary, but both my mother and myself take specialty sizes. Regardless of your size, what figleaves has that others don't, is an unbelievable selection of "titzlingers" for your comfort and other's visual delight (lines include elle macpherson, la perla, damaris and other hard to find manufacturers.) But what makes figleaves take the cake is their kick ass prices, and even better service. I recently bought one of the 4 bras that are available in my size, and it was only 14 dollars, and it shipped all the way from the UK! Unfortunately, when it arrived, the cup size was too small (what a world!) and so I had to return it, but it was absolutely painless and I had replacements in no time. I normally don't rave about online shopping, because it can be fraught with heartache, but figleaves makes tits look good for not a lot of scratch.

Webshopitude Hall of Fame: Figleaves.com

Like another entry in the HoF, Fresca, Ovaltine is one of those items readily found in your grandmother's house. Well, guess what kids? Your nan was one smart bitch! Ovaltine is what Jesus would drink if he was in need of enriched, chocomalty refreshment. I typically drink a lot of Ovaltine in the winter, but it is KILLER in the summer in icy milk. (Fuck frappuccinos. Baristas think you're white trash for ordering them, fyi) Ovaltine also gets by on the technicality that if you don't look at the sugar content, it's healthy (that's why it used to have the busty Teuton on the label.)

Another serving suggestion is to add it to your sweet cream base when making ice cream. If you are in a hurry, add it to your fixings for a milkshake, or you can sprinkle it over vanilla ice cream like my dad (if there is no Ghirardelli drinking chocolate about.) The key is this: it's not Quik. It's chocolate and malt together. It is a liquid Malteser of refreshing awesomeitude. Ovaltine, I salute you.

Munchitude Hall of Fame: Ovaltine

Considering its terrible production values, you might never linger long enough on The Soup to watch an episode all the way through, but you would be foolish to do so. Joel McHale and his peeps pull together an hysterical group of clips that shine a light on pop culture news from the past week. If you go here, you can get the "best of" on youtube, which will serve as a primer to get you started on watching the show that brought us "mankini" and who brought Aleksyss K Tylor's Vagina Power to the mainstream. Here is one of their best sketches as of late, "Trump Cocaine":

Teevitude: The Soup

The NUMBER ONE question I am asked when I am out is, "Hey, what's that thing around your neck?"

I'm not an huge fan of iPod accessories. I don't think that apple spent all that time and effort designing a product so you could put it in a rubber casing with a photo of Peter Griffin saying "freakin' sweet" on it. One exception to this rule is the lanyard headphone kit from apple. This headphone set plugs into the bottom of the ipod nano, and allows it to hang from your neck. It's sleek and incredibly handy. Why is this so handy? Well, I wear dresses all summer long, and dresses tend to be pocketless. This handy tool eliminates the need to find an house for my ipod on whatever I'm wearing. The phones are fully adjustable, so you can find the right fit for you (slutty girls will want it right at tit height.) There are 2 models of these headphones, depending on which gen nano you have. They retail for 40 USD and are available here.

Technitude: iPod lanyard headphones

I was one of those lucky bitches who scored a Wii early on. I easily got bored of playing Wii sports, as I am not a fan of their real-life counterpart, sports. As such, I went on a fact finding mission to find a game that would capture my interest, and do so for a long time. That killer game is WarioWare: Smooth moves.

Now, I was not one of those kids who got an NES for their birthday,, due to what my dad explained was "I am not paying that much money for some piece of shit." (The value was lost on him.) So, I really was unclear what the whole Wario deal was.

This is a collection of minigames, all designed to make optimal use of the Wii controller
. There are no real instructions to help you get started. The best part of the design of this game is that all the minigames are small and achievable (pick the carrots, fan away the "bad smell," pick up the phone) but must be done under pressure and time constraints, in a row, and mastering the proper "form" (method of holding the Wii controller.)

Warioware falls down in not having a great multiplayer mode (competitive multiplaying side by side would be optimal.) It's still a great party game, as your friends will cheer you on while you wash a cow's ass.

The production design of the game is as beautiful as it is eclectic, and the music is frenetic, and very cutesy.

This game is by far the most entertaining Wii title to date for sheer entertainment value, and people love winning every 30 seconds. If you want a guaranteed good time, get Warioware: Smooth Moves.











Pictured: "Squat" challenge and "Hula challenge"

Gameitude: Warioware Smooth Moves

Chocolate for me is not one of those things I partake in all the time (since I kicked my Snickers-a-day habit in University.) But when I do have it, I'm picky. It is for this reason that I spent years watching my dad eat Wunderbars and thinking it was not terribly appealing. (It looks like your basic "log" style chocolate bar, which I'm not very partial to.) Well, one year, there were Wunderbars in a selection of Hallowe'en candy. I mistakingly ate one while watching something on television, not paying attention. This mistake was perhaps the best mistake of my life. Wunderbar is peanut buttery, but not unctuous, butterfingery without being cloying, and caramelly without being a sugar bomb. (If you can get your hands on them, the miniature ones actually have a better chocolate-to-filling than the big ones.) Basically, it is the classic trifecta of the chocolate barmaker's art: caramel, peanut butter and an unexpected texture. This has become my new mix-in for my ice cream recipe.

Munchitude: Wunderbar!

A few weeks ago it was HOT ASS AFRICA out there while I was doing my errands. I went into Noah's Natural Foods to get some vitamins, and I went to their cooler at the back of their store to get myself something to cool me down. I was immediately charmed by the cutieassmagee bottle of seltzer which advertised both "natural flavour" and "zero calories." I gave this shiz, Boylan Seltzer a try. It is bottled awesomeitude. It is citrusy without being artificial, (available in lemon and orange) completely sweetener free and delightfully refreshing. It has medium fizz, so you won't be able to belch the alphabet (try Dad's Root beer for such an application) but it is delightful nonetheless. More information here

Munchitude: Boylan Seltzer

At a recent event at Toronto's Drake Hotel (please stop having corporates here. Can we just say it's done? They did have an "all ages dance party" there recently.) Renee and I remarked on how much we love my favourite summer tipple, the Bourbon Sour (they actually make really tasty ones there, to their credit, even if the Sky Yard smells like effluent.)

The first time I tried a really good Bourbon sour was at the Southern Accent Restaurant in Mirvish Village. It advertises itself as "Dare ya to find one better, even in the quarter." Well, I haven't thank you very much.

To describe the taste of a bourbon sour is to describe heaven itself. Strong, tart, sweet and bitter, all rolled into one, it's a delight for citrus fans. The flavour is incredibly well balanced, and I think that's why I am a fan.

Here is a recipe that yields a great one, when used with a mid-shelf bourbon (pictured) , and freshly squeezed lemon juice. Alternatively, you can mix it with sour mix, recipe also follows:

Bourbon Sour Recipe

in a cocktail shaker mix:
1/3 c ice cubes
2 oz bourbon
1 oz lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon superfine (fruit) sugar

shake well, garnish with lemon or lime wedge (fuck maraschinos)

Alternatively, make sour mix, substituting 1 ounce of it for the lemon and sugar in the previous recipe (makes a sweeter, more viscous mix):

Sour mix

mix in a saucepan:
1 c sugar
1 c water

Heat mixture on medium heat on stovetop. Dissolve sugar thoroughly. Cool mixture, and add 1 cup of freshly squeezed lemon juice (or combination of lemon and lime) Store in the fridge.

Munchitude: Bourbon Sours

I don't normally go apeshit on acid over peoples' grammatical gaffes, but this one is getting a little out of hand. I love reading blogs and online news outlets, but, babies, you need to RTFM where the manual is a dictionary (or at least spell check. Here now, we shall discuss 3 words who are homonyms, but are not the same usage:

Peek: this is the same as "peeping" or sneaking a look at something. Refrencing a clandestine visual experience. This is the only usage for this term.

Peak: many people attempted to reach the peak of the Matterhorn. several died. This refers to the summit of something, tangible or intangible (i.e: the peak of his career.)

Pique: to raise interest in, excite, or irritate. "She removed her panties under the table, thus piquing his interest."

With this handy, dandy guide,you can write without looking like a hayseed to people who have better education than you. As Brad Hamilton from Ridgemont High would say "Learn it. Know it. Live it."

Englishitude: Peak, Pique, and Peek

The number one question I am asked on the subject of computers is about virii and spyware. This is my definitive answer. There are 3 steps to staying safe:
1) Prevention. Get firefox or opera now. These browsers are safer than IE at the moment. In addition get Adblock for firefox.
2) Best surfing practices. Don't go looking for porn or illegal shit. Don't visit Dr. Lohit Ramindeep's Viagra store. Don't go on any websites for sketchy stuff. (Sorry dude, but it's not a free ride.)
3) Protection. Go here and get the virus and spyware programs. Pound for pound, AVG is the best stuff around. They update themselves once a day, run without prompting, and scan your email client for incoming and outgoing viruses.

Do these three things and you will be smooth sailing malware wise on the cheap

Hackitude: Free ESSENTIAL PC Software

This shop carries some of the most beautiful nature-inspired and chinoiserie handmade jewelery I have seen in a long time. The vendor even has the option of buying pieces a la carte and arranging them yourself. The pieces are also incredibly affordable (few are over 50 dollhairs)

Webshopitude: Tigerlillyshop

I loves me some celebrity gossip, but only of the most AWFUL variety (like hookers, blow, illegal cockfighting, etc) so, I am getting a little sick of the weaksauce filler that is "bumpwatch." This lameass "reporting" has hit fever pitch since this summer's fashions are all about empire waists and flowing bodices. Lately, Katie Holmes, Nicole Ritchie, and other people whose lives have infinitely more secrets than a bun-ed oven are being targeted daily in a vain attempt to find a bump.

Here is a pic taken of me several weeks ago, and I am as barren as a Chernobyl maple tree. However, due to the crazy pattern and flowing design, I look like I'm a full-on Prego. But, as you can see in the second picture... flat stomach. I just wish we could go back to a simpler time, when gossip columnists went on "adulterywatch," "pisstankwatch" and "gaywatch."

Richard Gere Posse: Everybody's "Pregnant"

Stikkit is an intuitive piece of software that helps you organise your life. I am a longtime user of digital post-its, but that program became bloated and slowed down my start up time on my comp. I found this web based program and fell in lurve. It has intuitive features on it, so if you type "hair appointment 9:00 am at 123 fake street" It knows to pick up the required fields (unlike outlook) what's better, is that you can look up all of your stikkits according to tags that are generated automatically, so if you are prone to writing down ideas like I am, all of your ideas filed under "magellan" will be able to be shown onscreen at the same time. (This is huge for web-type thinkers such as myself, who once found a recipe with the word "perverteer" scribbled on the back. It also produces iCal meetings for importation into any calendar application, and you can allow others to modify stikkits on your board.

Hackitude: Stikkit

A few months ago, I stumbled upon this website, and it was so cutetarded, I had to keep clicking through. It is a triumph of web design. Intensely creative, and passionate about their work, these dog breeders capture the imagination of the viewer. Click through to see one part of their website, called "The Zen Garden" which captures the essence of their style (make sure your speakers are on)

Interwebitude: Triumphs of Web Design: Cinnabar Kennels, Pedigree Pekingese Dogs

We’ve all done it. You pony up 13 bones for a film and settle down with your over salted snacks, hoping for a good time. Two hours later, you’re sorely disappointed and you overspend on drinks afterward. Attendance is trending downward, due to the dearth of decent comedies on the market, and the weed-like proliferation of remakes. The good news is, unless you are a big screen junkie, or a devout audiophile, the entertainment you are craving is within your own living room. The overseas sales of famous UK Television shows and cable shows in the US means that television’s quality and variety is greatly improving. Here are ten Reasons you might want to ditch the multiplex in favour of home popped popcorn and a night in.

1. Innovative Formats: From the pot dealing MILF on Weeds, to the detective who went into a coma and back in time in Life on Mars, to the Polygamous hardware franchise owner on Big Love, it’s clear that TV trumps movies when it comes to original ideas. In the case of the detective, he must solve crimes in the past without any of the mod cons (like forensic testing.) This series has turned the genre on its ear. A genre, which has all but died on the big screen (Clint prefers to spend his time behind the camera.)

2. Language: It seems childish to take the subject of foul language up as a selling feature, but given the extreme focus toward removing it from movies (for more on this, I encourage you to see “This Film Is Not Yet Rated) but someone’s job in America is to count the myriad “cuss-words” (whether they are motivated is not the issue, it’s a numbers game) and also “suggestive language” from studio films. I have never met anyone who has stubbed their toe and said “fiddle dee dee!” Limiting language is limiting ideas, and the proof is on the screen. Certain words help to define characters. Even Rhett Butler said “damn.” Some words can only describe some of the “cluster” type of situations which these characters find themselves in. (Remember Showcase’s “fuzzy sock sucker” ads? Sometimes it’s better to use the actual words)

3. Bold plot choices: A man visits Nip Tuck’s plastic surgeons to voluntarily remove a leg, with the threat that, if they don’t do it within the week, he will. The dope dealing mother from Weeds has a one night stand with the father of a child who her son savaged in karate… and he’s a DEA agent. Not only are there higher stakes in these plots, but they don’t always end tidily. (The series finale of Huff chills, to the Sinatra classic “The Good Life”)

4. Sex: Television has carte blanche when it comes to its portrayal of the essence of human behavior: sex. A devout Christian has surprisingly limber intercourse with all 3 of his wives on Big Love. On Nip/Tuck, a plastic surgeon visits his shrink and manages to bend her over her desk by the end of the session. On Rescue Me, a 9/11 widow who drugs her lover with a combination of roofies and Viagra to have a love child. The doctor’s son on Nip/Tuck moves in with his lover, only to later find out she is a transsexual. The MPAA seeks to keep any and all “deviant types of sex” (deviant basically means anything not missionary and anything that looks fun onscreen) to an absolute minimum and has a “thrust limit.” If you want to see some diverse sexual adventures, you’ve got to turn on your TV.

5. Diversity: Life on Mars shows what diversity means with its use of outdated slurs and shows us how far we’ve come since 1973. In one episode, the man who would become Sam Tyler’s’ mentor is newly promoted in the force, making some reticent to work with a “Darkie.” In Six Feet Under, we see a gay interracial romance. An entire episode of Entourage takes place at a Bat Mitzvah. Most films don’t like to get “too ethnic” for fear of alienating middle class sensitivities. Television has pushed this in addition to all other boundaries.

6. Messy Characters: Denis Leary in Rescue Me fireman who lost a brother in 9/11 and schtups his widow (But he’s likeable!). Hank Azaria’s Huff is a Beverly Hills Psychiatrist bored silly with his practice who witnesses a child’s suicide in his office. Julian MacDonald plays Christian Troy in Nip/Tuck. This Miami plastic surgeon was once the victim of clergy abuse. These complicated characters are found on television, but it’s becoming increasingly harder to find on the big screen. Characters who aren’t affable have a hard time attracting A-list talent. Television takes more risks. Sympathetic characters don’t make great stories… look at the runaway success of House. Characters on cable tend to have more layers and depth than the average film hero.

7. Production Design: Most films now lack intentional design. Since television is more about branding than films are, they need to distinguish themselves in the marketplace. Enter the green idyll of Weeds, the Wallpaper magazine inspired Hotel Babylon, the dirty grit of Rescue Me and the exquisite Life on Mars, whose look is based on untouched transfers of 1970 films.

8. Ensembles/Casting: Ricky Gervais’ Extras is a triumph of casting, showcasing A list stars making fun of themselves in almost appalling ways (Kate Winslet’s erotic tales are a high point.) “Stunt” casting aside, many of these shows are populated by great actors who perhaps don’t have “action star” or “sweetheart” potential. A standout ensemble cast is the cast of Huff. Hank Azaria is fantastic in his departure from Apu, Blythe Danner is absolutely brittle in her portrayal of Mrs. Huffstodt, and Anton Yelchin is haunting as Huff’s son, Byrd. Also of note were guest performances by Angelica Huston and Lara Flynn Boyle.

9. Title Sequences: “Little boxes, on the hillside…” If you can watch an episode of Weeds and not sing the theme song at least once the following week, then you are not human. The design of the credits sequence in Weeds is also stellar, with its repeating characters all in a row. Big Love’s credits sequence says it all. Opening with the Beach Boys’ “God Only Knows,” it shows Bill ice skating with his first wife, then his second wife joins the circle. Once the third wife joins, the ice begins to crack.

10. Comedy that’s actually funny: The UK’s Peep Show (whose format has since been purchased by US television) is shot using the visual point of view of the lead characters, which leads to some of the best sight gags (ass prints in flour on the kitchen countertop comes to mind.) Ricky Gervais’ sophomore comedy Extras takes comedy of embarrassment to the extreme (Daniel Radcliffe throws a condom which ends up in Dame Diana Rigg’s hair) and, if that isn’t enough for you, there’s always Louie CK calling his 4 year old daughter a “little asshole” when she causes a tantrum on Lucky Louie. It’s edgy, to be sure, and it might not play everywhere, but it’s a riot, and it’s available at home.

I’m not personally going to stop going to the movies altogether (what, with Judd Apatow continuing to direct them) but this might make you reconsider that “idiot box” in your living room.

Large Postitude: 10 Reasons Why TV is Better Than the Movies

"To Medellin!" was the toast that closed out the 2nd half of season 3 of Entourage. (Season 4 starts tonight) To us, it appeared as though Vincent and his crew might have actually gotten something that they really wanted (I really wanted more scenes with Martin Landau as a thinly-veiled pastiche of Robert Evans, but I don't make the rules.) But word on the street is that Vincent will most likely go broke this season in his attempt to become Pablo Escobar. I don't really care wtf happens this season, as long as Johnny Drama and Lloyd get plenty of screen time. It's weird how much I love this very guy-centric show, and I didn't want to love it when I started watching. What can I say? I'm a sucker for any show that devotes an episode to a Bat Mitzvah. Welcome back, bitches!

Teevitude: Entourage

Lizzadiez, one of the WORST things about summer is the sudden switch to strappy shoes that leaves you with blisters or calluses for a few weeks. Here is my three pronged method for fixing the problem:

1. Prevention. Yes, it's annoying, but try not to get them in the first place. LUCKILY, this year, I tested this killer new product, Band-Aid Blister block. It looks like a deodorant sampler, but it's a thick, slick layer of protection against rubbing on shoes.
2. Treatment: If you have given yourself a blister, use this old ballet trick: thread a tiny needle with cotton thread. puncture the blister, parallel to the skin, with an "in" and "out" point. Pull the thread hough, and the thread will absorb the liquid. The protective flap stays, but the uncomfortable bulge is gone.
3. If you have cuts or some other type of skin irritation and don't want to revert to socks and shoes, use Band-Aid Advanced Healing Bandages. These are made with "compeed" which is used in hospitals to heal wounds fast. They are waterproof, fully submersible and last for up to a week. (They also blend in fairly well with caucasian, latino ar light asian skin, which is a bonus of you still have to wear open shoes afterward)

Hackitude: Blister Fixes For Summer Shoes