Thursday, June 28, 2007

Richard Gere Posse: Sir Paul McDouchebag

Posted by Hotseat |

Maybe it's the extreme heat that is causing the RGP entries to come hard and fast, but this needs to be said: Paul McCartney deserves to be in the Richard Gere Posse as an official Knight of the Gerbil. Wha? you say? He's a Beatle. Everyone loves a Beatle. No everyone does NOT love a Beatle, and the best songs they had had sweet fuck all (to borrow a phrase from my dad) to do with him. Need more convincing? Worst James Bond Theme in the history of the series (not so fast Chris Cornell, you were next.) Still more you say? WINGS. I win. Also, what kind of class A DOUCHENOZZLE makes unsuspecting Starbucks workers listen to his song on a 24 hour loop? Get over yourself. His poor wife had to get titty cancer just to get rid of him. Oh wait, if you're still a hold out... here's the piece de resistance:


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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Kawaii: Crocs Prima Ballerina Flats

Posted by Hotseat |

It's the term that has become synonymous with old ladies and uglitude: Crocs. Luckily, these cheap ass magee shoes are transforming. Crocs release a staggering number of new styles, and among them are these TOTALLY KAWAII ballerina flats, which, although not indicated in the photo, are silver. I ordered these the moment I saw them here. I was not disappointed. The shoes are light, comfortable, have arch support (something fabric ones from Chinatown do not) and best of all, the Croslite material is bacteriostatic (meaning no stank.) Highly recommended for people who HATE flats but sometimes see the necessity for them (too many nights out in a row in spiked heels and wedges.)


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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Interwebitude: Oldn but a Goodn: 80s ending

Posted by Hotseat |

This is not another "LOLLERZ VIDS" site, but this movie is pretty damned funny and I'm posting it for selfish reasons. This clip reminds me of when Ryan and I used to work at the evil empire and make each other piss our pants. Long live catty comments, der fingerpoken, Heat magazine's ARSEMARES and this, 80's ending....



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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Richard Gere Posse: Fatass Magee's She-UI

Posted by Hotseat |

Who doesn't like dumb sluts? I certainly do. Who doesn't like monkeyshines? One look at my facebook would tell you I absolutely do. What I do not cotton to is when dumb sluts get into monkeyshines that are potentially deadly and then act like everyone totally does it too. Such is the case with Paris Hilton, who historically does her best work at night. One thing us bitches do agree on is In N Out burger (I am slightly harder core in my lurve for the Christian-themed burgers, having once called the hotline to find the closest one. It was on Crenshaw Boulevard. Bob and I took a cab at 3am. Bob likes 'em Animal style.) But this is not about deliciousness. This is about Twattitude. My father was nearly killed when I was a child as a result of a drunk driver. It is not something to be flip about. So, excuse me if I don't have sympathy that your roots had to go black and your blue contacts had to come out. However, I am happy to see that in the absence of your social candy, you have put on weight in the clink, making the lesson hit you where you live. Since your whole world is tied up in your gigantic-footed body, I'm glad Los Angeles County could help spread the message that DUIs are not a joke. You could end up like one of those "fat people who drink diet coke." Enjoy your freedom, ya fat cunt!


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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Webshopitude Hall of Fame: Figleaves.com

Posted by Hotseat |

Lizzadiez, we all want nice tits, and in my experience, it is achievable for every woman with the right bras. Enter the greatest online bra shop on earth: Figleaves. This shop's entire reason for living is to give you a nice rack (and no VPL.) They have an EXHAUSTIVE list of sizes (from 28 AA to 56FF.) This may seem unnecessary, but both my mother and myself take specialty sizes. Regardless of your size, what figleaves has that others don't, is an unbelievable selection of "titzlingers" for your comfort and other's visual delight (lines include elle macpherson, la perla, damaris and other hard to find manufacturers.) But what makes figleaves take the cake is their kick ass prices, and even better service. I recently bought one of the 4 bras that are available in my size, and it was only 14 dollars, and it shipped all the way from the UK! Unfortunately, when it arrived, the cup size was too small (what a world!) and so I had to return it, but it was absolutely painless and I had replacements in no time. I normally don't rave about online shopping, because it can be fraught with heartache, but figleaves makes tits look good for not a lot of scratch.


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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Munchitude Hall of Fame: Ovaltine

Posted by Hotseat |

Like another entry in the HoF, Fresca, Ovaltine is one of those items readily found in your grandmother's house. Well, guess what kids? Your nan was one smart bitch! Ovaltine is what Jesus would drink if he was in need of enriched, chocomalty refreshment. I typically drink a lot of Ovaltine in the winter, but it is KILLER in the summer in icy milk. (Fuck frappuccinos. Baristas think you're white trash for ordering them, fyi) Ovaltine also gets by on the technicality that if you don't look at the sugar content, it's healthy (that's why it used to have the busty Teuton on the label.)

Another serving suggestion is to add it to your sweet cream base when making ice cream. If you are in a hurry, add it to your fixings for a milkshake, or you can sprinkle it over vanilla ice cream like my dad (if there is no Ghirardelli drinking chocolate about.) The key is this: it's not Quik. It's chocolate and malt together. It is a liquid Malteser of refreshing awesomeitude. Ovaltine, I salute you.


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Friday, June 22, 2007

Teevitude: The Soup

Posted by Hotseat |

Considering its terrible production values, you might never linger long enough on The Soup to watch an episode all the way through, but you would be foolish to do so. Joel McHale and his peeps pull together an hysterical group of clips that shine a light on pop culture news from the past week. If you go here, you can get the "best of" on youtube, which will serve as a primer to get you started on watching the show that brought us "mankini" and who brought Aleksyss K Tylor's Vagina Power to the mainstream. Here is one of their best sketches as of late, "Trump Cocaine":


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Friday, June 22, 2007

Technitude: iPod lanyard headphones

Posted by Hotseat |

The NUMBER ONE question I am asked when I am out is, "Hey, what's that thing around your neck?"

I'm not an huge fan of iPod accessories. I don't think that apple spent all that time and effort designing a product so you could put it in a rubber casing with a photo of Peter Griffin saying "freakin' sweet" on it. One exception to this rule is the lanyard headphone kit from apple. This headphone set plugs into the bottom of the ipod nano, and allows it to hang from your neck. It's sleek and incredibly handy. Why is this so handy? Well, I wear dresses all summer long, and dresses tend to be pocketless. This handy tool eliminates the need to find an house for my ipod on whatever I'm wearing. The phones are fully adjustable, so you can find the right fit for you (slutty girls will want it right at tit height.) There are 2 models of these headphones, depending on which gen nano you have. They retail for 40 USD and are available here.


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Friday, June 22, 2007

Gameitude: Warioware Smooth Moves

Posted by Hotseat |

I was one of those lucky bitches who scored a Wii early on. I easily got bored of playing Wii sports, as I am not a fan of their real-life counterpart, sports. As such, I went on a fact finding mission to find a game that would capture my interest, and do so for a long time. That killer game is WarioWare: Smooth moves.

Now, I was not one of those kids who got an NES for their birthday,, due to what my dad explained was "I am not paying that much money for some piece of shit." (The value was lost on him.) So, I really was unclear what the whole Wario deal was.

This is a collection of minigames, all designed to make optimal use of the Wii controller
. There are no real instructions to help you get started. The best part of the design of this game is that all the minigames are small and achievable (pick the carrots, fan away the "bad smell," pick up the phone) but must be done under pressure and time constraints, in a row, and mastering the proper "form" (method of holding the Wii controller.)

Warioware falls down in not having a great multiplayer mode (competitive multiplaying side by side would be optimal.) It's still a great party game, as your friends will cheer you on while you wash a cow's ass.

The production design of the game is as beautiful as it is eclectic, and the music is frenetic, and very cutesy.

This game is by far the most entertaining Wii title to date for sheer entertainment value, and people love winning every 30 seconds. If you want a guaranteed good time, get Warioware: Smooth Moves.











Pictured: "Squat" challenge and "Hula challenge"


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Thursday, June 21, 2007

Munchitude: Wunderbar!

Posted by Hotseat |

Chocolate for me is not one of those things I partake in all the time (since I kicked my Snickers-a-day habit in University.) But when I do have it, I'm picky. It is for this reason that I spent years watching my dad eat Wunderbars and thinking it was not terribly appealing. (It looks like your basic "log" style chocolate bar, which I'm not very partial to.) Well, one year, there were Wunderbars in a selection of Hallowe'en candy. I mistakingly ate one while watching something on television, not paying attention. This mistake was perhaps the best mistake of my life. Wunderbar is peanut buttery, but not unctuous, butterfingery without being cloying, and caramelly without being a sugar bomb. (If you can get your hands on them, the miniature ones actually have a better chocolate-to-filling than the big ones.) Basically, it is the classic trifecta of the chocolate barmaker's art: caramel, peanut butter and an unexpected texture. This has become my new mix-in for my ice cream recipe.


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Thursday, June 21, 2007

Munchitude: Boylan Seltzer

Posted by Hotseat |

A few weeks ago it was HOT ASS AFRICA out there while I was doing my errands. I went into Noah's Natural Foods to get some vitamins, and I went to their cooler at the back of their store to get myself something to cool me down. I was immediately charmed by the cutieassmagee bottle of seltzer which advertised both "natural flavour" and "zero calories." I gave this shiz, Boylan Seltzer a try. It is bottled awesomeitude. It is citrusy without being artificial, (available in lemon and orange) completely sweetener free and delightfully refreshing. It has medium fizz, so you won't be able to belch the alphabet (try Dad's Root beer for such an application) but it is delightful nonetheless. More information here


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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Munchitude: Bourbon Sours

Posted by Hotseat |

At a recent event at Toronto's Drake Hotel (please stop having corporates here. Can we just say it's done? They did have an "all ages dance party" there recently.) Renee and I remarked on how much we love my favourite summer tipple, the Bourbon Sour (they actually make really tasty ones there, to their credit, even if the Sky Yard smells like effluent.)

The first time I tried a really good Bourbon sour was at the Southern Accent Restaurant in Mirvish Village. It advertises itself as "Dare ya to find one better, even in the quarter." Well, I haven't thank you very much.

To describe the taste of a bourbon sour is to describe heaven itself. Strong, tart, sweet and bitter, all rolled into one, it's a delight for citrus fans. The flavour is incredibly well balanced, and I think that's why I am a fan.

Here is a recipe that yields a great one, when used with a mid-shelf bourbon (pictured) , and freshly squeezed lemon juice. Alternatively, you can mix it with sour mix, recipe also follows:

Bourbon Sour Recipe

in a cocktail shaker mix:
1/3 c ice cubes
2 oz bourbon
1 oz lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon superfine (fruit) sugar

shake well, garnish with lemon or lime wedge (fuck maraschinos)

Alternatively, make sour mix, substituting 1 ounce of it for the lemon and sugar in the previous recipe (makes a sweeter, more viscous mix):

Sour mix

mix in a saucepan:
1 c sugar
1 c water

Heat mixture on medium heat on stovetop. Dissolve sugar thoroughly. Cool mixture, and add 1 cup of freshly squeezed lemon juice (or combination of lemon and lime) Store in the fridge.


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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Englishitude: Peak, Pique, and Peek

Posted by Hotseat |

I don't normally go apeshit on acid over peoples' grammatical gaffes, but this one is getting a little out of hand. I love reading blogs and online news outlets, but, babies, you need to RTFM where the manual is a dictionary (or at least spell check. Here now, we shall discuss 3 words who are homonyms, but are not the same usage:

Peek: this is the same as "peeping" or sneaking a look at something. Refrencing a clandestine visual experience. This is the only usage for this term.

Peak: many people attempted to reach the peak of the Matterhorn. several died. This refers to the summit of something, tangible or intangible (i.e: the peak of his career.)

Pique: to raise interest in, excite, or irritate. "She removed her panties under the table, thus piquing his interest."

With this handy, dandy guide,you can write without looking like a hayseed to people who have better education than you. As Brad Hamilton from Ridgemont High would say "Learn it. Know it. Live it."


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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Hackitude: Free ESSENTIAL PC Software

Posted by Hotseat |

The number one question I am asked on the subject of computers is about virii and spyware. This is my definitive answer. There are 3 steps to staying safe:
1) Prevention. Get firefox or opera now. These browsers are safer than IE at the moment. In addition get Adblock for firefox.
2) Best surfing practices. Don't go looking for porn or illegal shit. Don't visit Dr. Lohit Ramindeep's Viagra store. Don't go on any websites for sketchy stuff. (Sorry dude, but it's not a free ride.)
3) Protection. Go here and get the virus and spyware programs. Pound for pound, AVG is the best stuff around. They update themselves once a day, run without prompting, and scan your email client for incoming and outgoing viruses.

Do these three things and you will be smooth sailing malware wise on the cheap


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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Webshopitude: Tigerlillyshop

Posted by Hotseat |

This shop carries some of the most beautiful nature-inspired and chinoiserie handmade jewelery I have seen in a long time. The vendor even has the option of buying pieces a la carte and arranging them yourself. The pieces are also incredibly affordable (few are over 50 dollhairs)



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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Richard Gere Posse: Everybody's "Pregnant"

Posted by Hotseat |

I loves me some celebrity gossip, but only of the most AWFUL variety (like hookers, blow, illegal cockfighting, etc) so, I am getting a little sick of the weaksauce filler that is "bumpwatch." This lameass "reporting" has hit fever pitch since this summer's fashions are all about empire waists and flowing bodices. Lately, Katie Holmes, Nicole Ritchie, and other people whose lives have infinitely more secrets than a bun-ed oven are being targeted daily in a vain attempt to find a bump.

Here is a pic taken of me several weeks ago, and I am as barren as a Chernobyl maple tree. However, due to the crazy pattern and flowing design, I look like I'm a full-on Prego. But, as you can see in the second picture... flat stomach. I just wish we could go back to a simpler time, when gossip columnists went on "adulterywatch," "pisstankwatch" and "gaywatch."


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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Hackitude: Stikkit

Posted by Hotseat |

Stikkit is an intuitive piece of software that helps you organise your life. I am a longtime user of digital post-its, but that program became bloated and slowed down my start up time on my comp. I found this web based program and fell in lurve. It has intuitive features on it, so if you type "hair appointment 9:00 am at 123 fake street" It knows to pick up the required fields (unlike outlook) what's better, is that you can look up all of your stikkits according to tags that are generated automatically, so if you are prone to writing down ideas like I am, all of your ideas filed under "magellan" will be able to be shown onscreen at the same time. (This is huge for web-type thinkers such as myself, who once found a recipe with the word "perverteer" scribbled on the back. It also produces iCal meetings for importation into any calendar application, and you can allow others to modify stikkits on your board.


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A few months ago, I stumbled upon this website, and it was so cutetarded, I had to keep clicking through. It is a triumph of web design. Intensely creative, and passionate about their work, these dog breeders capture the imagination of the viewer. Click through to see one part of their website, called "The Zen Garden" which captures the essence of their style (make sure your speakers are on)


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We’ve all done it. You pony up 13 bones for a film and settle down with your over salted snacks, hoping for a good time. Two hours later, you’re sorely disappointed and you overspend on drinks afterward. Attendance is trending downward, due to the dearth of decent comedies on the market, and the weed-like proliferation of remakes. The good news is, unless you are a big screen junkie, or a devout audiophile, the entertainment you are craving is within your own living room. The overseas sales of famous UK Television shows and cable shows in the US means that television’s quality and variety is greatly improving. Here are ten Reasons you might want to ditch the multiplex in favour of home popped popcorn and a night in.

1. Innovative Formats: From the pot dealing MILF on Weeds, to the detective who went into a coma and back in time in Life on Mars, to the Polygamous hardware franchise owner on Big Love, it’s clear that TV trumps movies when it comes to original ideas. In the case of the detective, he must solve crimes in the past without any of the mod cons (like forensic testing.) This series has turned the genre on its ear. A genre, which has all but died on the big screen (Clint prefers to spend his time behind the camera.)

2. Language: It seems childish to take the subject of foul language up as a selling feature, but given the extreme focus toward removing it from movies (for more on this, I encourage you to see “This Film Is Not Yet Rated) but someone’s job in America is to count the myriad “cuss-words” (whether they are motivated is not the issue, it’s a numbers game) and also “suggestive language” from studio films. I have never met anyone who has stubbed their toe and said “fiddle dee dee!” Limiting language is limiting ideas, and the proof is on the screen. Certain words help to define characters. Even Rhett Butler said “damn.” Some words can only describe some of the “cluster” type of situations which these characters find themselves in. (Remember Showcase’s “fuzzy sock sucker” ads? Sometimes it’s better to use the actual words)

3. Bold plot choices: A man visits Nip Tuck’s plastic surgeons to voluntarily remove a leg, with the threat that, if they don’t do it within the week, he will. The dope dealing mother from Weeds has a one night stand with the father of a child who her son savaged in karate… and he’s a DEA agent. Not only are there higher stakes in these plots, but they don’t always end tidily. (The series finale of Huff chills, to the Sinatra classic “The Good Life”)

4. Sex: Television has carte blanche when it comes to its portrayal of the essence of human behavior: sex. A devout Christian has surprisingly limber intercourse with all 3 of his wives on Big Love. On Nip/Tuck, a plastic surgeon visits his shrink and manages to bend her over her desk by the end of the session. On Rescue Me, a 9/11 widow who drugs her lover with a combination of roofies and Viagra to have a love child. The doctor’s son on Nip/Tuck moves in with his lover, only to later find out she is a transsexual. The MPAA seeks to keep any and all “deviant types of sex” (deviant basically means anything not missionary and anything that looks fun onscreen) to an absolute minimum and has a “thrust limit.” If you want to see some diverse sexual adventures, you’ve got to turn on your TV.

5. Diversity: Life on Mars shows what diversity means with its use of outdated slurs and shows us how far we’ve come since 1973. In one episode, the man who would become Sam Tyler’s’ mentor is newly promoted in the force, making some reticent to work with a “Darkie.” In Six Feet Under, we see a gay interracial romance. An entire episode of Entourage takes place at a Bat Mitzvah. Most films don’t like to get “too ethnic” for fear of alienating middle class sensitivities. Television has pushed this in addition to all other boundaries.

6. Messy Characters: Denis Leary in Rescue Me fireman who lost a brother in 9/11 and schtups his widow (But he’s likeable!). Hank Azaria’s Huff is a Beverly Hills Psychiatrist bored silly with his practice who witnesses a child’s suicide in his office. Julian MacDonald plays Christian Troy in Nip/Tuck. This Miami plastic surgeon was once the victim of clergy abuse. These complicated characters are found on television, but it’s becoming increasingly harder to find on the big screen. Characters who aren’t affable have a hard time attracting A-list talent. Television takes more risks. Sympathetic characters don’t make great stories… look at the runaway success of House. Characters on cable tend to have more layers and depth than the average film hero.

7. Production Design: Most films now lack intentional design. Since television is more about branding than films are, they need to distinguish themselves in the marketplace. Enter the green idyll of Weeds, the Wallpaper magazine inspired Hotel Babylon, the dirty grit of Rescue Me and the exquisite Life on Mars, whose look is based on untouched transfers of 1970 films.

8. Ensembles/Casting: Ricky Gervais’ Extras is a triumph of casting, showcasing A list stars making fun of themselves in almost appalling ways (Kate Winslet’s erotic tales are a high point.) “Stunt” casting aside, many of these shows are populated by great actors who perhaps don’t have “action star” or “sweetheart” potential. A standout ensemble cast is the cast of Huff. Hank Azaria is fantastic in his departure from Apu, Blythe Danner is absolutely brittle in her portrayal of Mrs. Huffstodt, and Anton Yelchin is haunting as Huff’s son, Byrd. Also of note were guest performances by Angelica Huston and Lara Flynn Boyle.

9. Title Sequences: “Little boxes, on the hillside…” If you can watch an episode of Weeds and not sing the theme song at least once the following week, then you are not human. The design of the credits sequence in Weeds is also stellar, with its repeating characters all in a row. Big Love’s credits sequence says it all. Opening with the Beach Boys’ “God Only Knows,” it shows Bill ice skating with his first wife, then his second wife joins the circle. Once the third wife joins, the ice begins to crack.

10. Comedy that’s actually funny: The UK’s Peep Show (whose format has since been purchased by US television) is shot using the visual point of view of the lead characters, which leads to some of the best sight gags (ass prints in flour on the kitchen countertop comes to mind.) Ricky Gervais’ sophomore comedy Extras takes comedy of embarrassment to the extreme (Daniel Radcliffe throws a condom which ends up in Dame Diana Rigg’s hair) and, if that isn’t enough for you, there’s always Louie CK calling his 4 year old daughter a “little asshole” when she causes a tantrum on Lucky Louie. It’s edgy, to be sure, and it might not play everywhere, but it’s a riot, and it’s available at home.

I’m not personally going to stop going to the movies altogether (what, with Judd Apatow continuing to direct them) but this might make you reconsider that “idiot box” in your living room.


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Sunday, June 17, 2007

Teevitude: Entourage

Posted by Hotseat |

"To Medellin!" was the toast that closed out the 2nd half of season 3 of Entourage. (Season 4 starts tonight) To us, it appeared as though Vincent and his crew might have actually gotten something that they really wanted (I really wanted more scenes with Martin Landau as a thinly-veiled pastiche of Robert Evans, but I don't make the rules.) But word on the street is that Vincent will most likely go broke this season in his attempt to become Pablo Escobar. I don't really care wtf happens this season, as long as Johnny Drama and Lloyd get plenty of screen time. It's weird how much I love this very guy-centric show, and I didn't want to love it when I started watching. What can I say? I'm a sucker for any show that devotes an episode to a Bat Mitzvah. Welcome back, bitches!


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Friday, June 15, 2007

Hackitude: Blister Fixes For Summer Shoes

Posted by Hotseat |

Lizzadiez, one of the WORST things about summer is the sudden switch to strappy shoes that leaves you with blisters or calluses for a few weeks. Here is my three pronged method for fixing the problem:

  1. Prevention. Yes, it's annoying, but try not to get them in the first place. LUCKILY, this year, I tested this killer new product, Band-Aid Blister block. It looks like a deodorant sampler, but it's a thick, slick layer of protection against rubbing on shoes.
  2. Treatment: If you have given yourself a blister, use this old ballet trick: thread a tiny needle with cotton thread. puncture the blister, parallel to the skin, with an "in" and "out" point. Pull the thread hough, and the thread will absorb the liquid. The protective flap stays, but the uncomfortable bulge is gone.
  3. If you have cuts or some other type of skin irritation and don't want to revert to socks and shoes, use Band-Aid Advanced Healing Bandages. These are made with "compeed" which is used in hospitals to heal wounds fast. They are waterproof, fully submersible and last for up to a week. (They also blend in fairly well with caucasian, latino ar light asian skin, which is a bonus of you still have to wear open shoes afterward)


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Friday, June 15, 2007

Cosmitude: Best Cheap Hair Treatment: Ion Effective Care Treatment

Posted by Hotseat |

I am obsessed with hair treatments ever since a really bad set of highlights when I was overseas that left my hair FRIED. since then, I have experimented with everything under the sun. I have found the magic bullet: Ion Effective Care Treatment (get it here.) First, the bad news: it really pongs. It smells vaguely "Grandma's perm" ish, so if you're averse to that, stop right here. Aside from that, what you get for 12 dollars is 16 ounces of pure hair silk. Put it on wet hair, put a bag over it, sit for half an hour and then try NOT to touch your hair.


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Friday, June 15, 2007

Schadenfreude: Hotseat's Nerd-o-Mat

Posted by Hotseat |

So, a shameless side project of mine is this REALLY nerdy t shirt shop called "hotseat's nerd-o-mat" It carries t-shirts with slogans from cult tv shows, including:

Check it out if that's your bag.


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Friday, June 15, 2007

Paternitude: Shit Dads Say

Posted by Hotseat |

In honour of the holiest day on the calendar, Father's Day (We would have also accepted Yom Kippur) I thought it would be a total gas to share some killer "dad jokes" and tell a tale or two of my own dad's antics.

"Someone's gotta watch the money around here"
You think YOUR dad is cheap? My parents were biking outside of Paris, Ontario once, and decided to stop for ice cream at McDonald's, where, at the time they had a special of 2 sundaes for 2 dollars. Once they ordered, my dad was asked a follow up question as to whether he wanted nuts on his sundae. His response? "Does it cost EXTRA?"

Knee Slappers

  • My dad decided to tell us a joke once about a genetically modified chicken who had 4 legs. When questioned about the taste of the birds, the farmer responded "dunno, have to catch one first." That's the joke... that's also the deafening sound of no one laughing. That third noise is my dad doing the "shoulder shake" trying to tell the joke without laughing his ass off.
  • We were given a delightfully drawn map with directions to our friend's cottage in Wasaga. There is a Kentucky Fried Chicken near the sideroad that you must turn down to get there. In the drawing, the "C" in KFC looked like a "G." when asked what "KFG" was. my dad responded "Keep Fucking Going."
Never ask "For Who the Horn Honks"
Once, after working late, my dad decided to stop at a Wendy's. He is morally opposed to drive through, so walked up, crossing the drive through line up in the process (the cars were stopped.) Someone honked, so my dad called them an "asshole" and then gave them the finger, never once turning to give them the satisfaction of looking that guy in the face. The next morning he went to work where his associate, who had honked him hello at Wendy's wanted to make nice.

Setting up the Tripod
I was walking through Riverside Park with my dad once, and we came across this guy walking his dog. My dad is a real dog person, and this dog had interesting markings, so my dad was asking the owner questions about the dog's pedigree. My dad then proceeded to attempt to "shake a paw" with what to me, but obviously, not to him, was a three legged dog, while my mother and I looked on in abject horror.

Despite the TERRIBLE jokes and the obvious social gaffes (including a discussion of hookers in Berlin during last year's World Cup) I still love you dad, even if we ALWAYS have to putasweateron when we're cold instead of turning the heat up.



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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Munchitude: Fresca

Posted by Hotseat |

Fresca. Permanent resident of your grandmothers' fridge. It is hopelessly unstylish, but it tastes like sparkly Jesus. Fresca, the pink grapefuit sugar free soda that was the first diet soda on the market has been rebranded by Coke to be more hip. I'm just happy I can find it now. It tastes like Ting or Wink (depending of where you come from) and that is citrusy, snappy, and delicious. it even comes in two variants: peach and black cherry, which are equally good, but faced with a three way choice, I am a purist. Also, a note to Doug: it's not ORANGE, or is it made from oranges, or does it taste like orange, but it DOES go well with tequila for those times when you want to tie one on in public but don't want to get arrested.


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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Newz You Can Uze: #1 Awesomeitude result on Google!

Posted by Hotseat |

Just days after going live, Total Awesomeitude is the #1 listing on Google for the term "Awesomeitude." Thanks bitches!


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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Munchitude Hall of Fame: Ice Cream Recipe!

Posted by Hotseat |

It's no secret that I LOVE ICE CREAM. When I was in University, I used to visit Greg's Ice Cream weekly, even in winter. My obsession only grew. I bought a Cuisinart Ice Cream maker and this book and I began experimenting with all sorts of methods of preparing it. The key to it is to find the "sweet cream base" (plain ice cream, there isn't even vanilla in it) and then work from there. Here now, I present to you my favourite Sweet cream base that makes a 1 quart batch of ice cream:


1 Cup Whipping Cream
1 Cup Half and Half
2 egg yolks
1 cup condensed milk

measure and mix all ingredients in a glass volume measuring pitcher (easiest method) using a whisk to make the mix incorporates properly. chill in fridge for 1/2 hour. Add mixture to ice cream maker and prepare according to manufacturer's instructions. Add mix ins last.

a few notes:

  • don't add liquor or salt: it changes the freezing point of the ice cream.
  • add about 2 teaspoons of flavouring to the mixture if desired (if using liquid flavouring from the grocery store)
  • fruit seems like a good idea, but often makes for an uneven, ice-laden batch. I save fruit for the topping.


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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Movietude: Best Shittastic Movie You've Never Seen

Posted by Hotseat |

He's Rudy Ray Moore, and he is "The Avenging Disco Godfather." After his friend Buckie trips balls on PCP, the Godfather starts "Angels Against Dust" to fight back against dealers, and (my favourite misguided fright term pertaining to drugs) "PUSHERS." I won't ruin the rest for you, but there is disco, karate, and a drug-equipped "gas chair" filled with liquid PCP (can you actually huff it?) I mention this, because the Onion refers to it in their AV Club article here this week, and whereas we don't always get along in matters of hipsterism, this week, they hit it on the head.


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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Teevitude: While You Were Watching The Sopranos

Posted by Hotseat |

I have never deigned to watch the Sopranos, because I am not enraptured by mob stories. However, that is not to say that instead, I watched the Tonys. Well, I am a little sad I didn't, because check this ess out! (Those grannies can KISS!)


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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Explanation: "Rossed" or "Rossed Up"

Posted by Hotseat |


I effing hate the term "Jump The Shark." It's last acceptable use was when Henry Winkler actually bunny hopped over a dead one on Arrested Development. I have used, and prefer to use the term "Rossed" or "Rossed Up" tp refer to the sudden change of a character, plotline, o situation that went from normal/plausible to effing stupid. The Genesis of this, is of course, Ross Geller, who during his tenure on Friends, went from nervous nerd, but with semi-redeeming qualities, to complete miscreant and otherwise dirtbag of society.

More recent examples of "Rossing" include

  • Most of the second series and the first 2/3 of the third series of Lost
  • Pirates of the Carribean 3
  • Spiderman 3


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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Societude: Damien Hirst's "For the Love of God"

Posted by Hotseat |


Damien's art has always been controversial and theatrical, but I never really was that fussed by it. Why, then, aside from some mildly magpieish tendencies on my part, do I find this piece so fascinating? I think in all honesty it traces back to the time I first saw Peter Ustinov's documentary on the Vatican. This documentary showed many of the thousands of relics (bones of saints) and jewelled items that the Vatican had acquired in its long tenure. While Hirst himself claims that his intent tended toward the focus now on "blood diamonds" and the genesis had to do with his continuation of the exploration of death and the nature of our relationship toward it, it reminded me of a rotund Ukranian man showing the wonder and absolute ridiculous luxury that is the upper echelons of the Catholic Church. The piece consists of an actual human skull cica 18th century, and has new teeth (origin unknown) and 14 million pounds work of diamons hand laid on the surface of the skull, even inside the nasal and ocular cavities. The work, titled "For the Love of God" is on display soon, and is rumoured to have a buyer already for the asking price of fifty million pounds, or 100 million USD.
More information


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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Teevitude: Rescue Me

Posted by Hotseat |

Hot Damn. Rescue Me is back TODAY! It has been too long, Tommy, you asshole.


I didn't want to love this show, because I thought The Job was so effing good (who else would put a main character eating "head soup" and the being conflicted when he later had cravings for it?) But Goddamnit, I love an unapologetically awful protagonist! (See Nip/Tuck, Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm)


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Monday, June 11, 2007

Munchitude: Mothercluckers Gisborne Chardonnay

Posted by Hotseat |

There is a story behind how I tried this wine for the first time. I HATE wine with cutesy names because I am elitist. Flash back to last year. I was at the Summerhill liquor store in Toronto, looking for something very specific for my dad: an unoaked chardonnay from New Zealand. It was this or "cat's pee", and I wasn't having that. Since this bottle was a touch spendier and was in the "vintages" department, I gave it a whirl. Honeslty, it's one of the most delightful summer whites I have ever drunk. Peachy and citrusy, with an unctuous texture, this is really a great bottle to try, and hey, it did get some yuks from the old man!


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Monday, June 11, 2007

Awesomeitude Hall of Fame: The Fuck It Bucket

Posted by Hotseat |

Some of the best ideas in life are also the simplest. This is no exception. Coming from Amy Sedaris via her brother, the Rooster, and featured in her book I Like You.

Instructions:
How to make a fuckit bucket
Go get a 1 gallon paintpail
Fill it with candy, write
Fuck it Bucket on it
when shit gets you down
just say Fuck it, and
eat some motherfuckin'
candy

Paul Sedaris
The Rooster

Sane advice in a crazy world.


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Monday, June 11, 2007

Schadenfreude: Delta Bingo

Posted by Hotseat |

Last week, a group of peeps rolled up to the Delta Bingo in Downsview for what we thought was a night of BIG MONEY. What happened instead was a cautionary tale worthy of Degrassi.

We bought some double strip mess on the advice of the chick in he office. We were chastised for "dabbing too loudly." And received many a hairy eyeball for "giggling."

Later, we tried some of the cuisine. The special was Liver'n'Onions, but no one was brave enough. Instead, a few rounds of chicken fingers were bought. No one got salmonella!

Later, they announced the score of the Stanley Cup Game.

Later still, J-M won! 20 dollhairs. He is well on his way to building a fortune.

Then, it went all pear-shaped. The woman who yelled at us for our dabbing technique won 3 gs. Then, in reference to a dollar store pregnancy test that was discovered on the trip to get the dabbers, we held an open forum on "how much pregnant lady urine a man would have to drink to trip a dollar store pregnancy test?" If anyone knows, please drop us a line.
Also of note is this delightful rendition of "Michaelangelo" from TMNT that was done by J-M in bingo dabber. I would say it captures a moment quite well.


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Monday, June 11, 2007

Teevitude: Big Love

Posted by Hotseat |

Tonight marks the return of one of the most fascinating and fun shows about polygamy... BIG LOVE! I am pissing my pants in anticipation of what will happen to the Henricksons now that their secret is out. (TC, you'd better remember to Tivo it!) This show could easily be swallowed by its subject matter, but it is very engaging while showing the human pluses and minuses of polygamy in a very frank way. (Plus the sex is a little blushworthy, I'm not going to lie!) The theme song is also a schadenfreude moment for me (The Beach Boys' "God Only Knows")


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Monday, June 11, 2007

Interwebitude: ikea hacker

Posted by Hotseat |


ikea hacker is one of my new bookmarks. They have really great instructions for transforming your ikea crap into crap of beauty!


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Monday, June 11, 2007

Cosmitude: Best False Tans on the Cheap

Posted by Hotseat |

I don't know which I am more: cheap or hopelessly pale. I also am more than keenly aware of BAD FALSE TANS, a/k/a pumpkin skin. (See photo) It is for these reasons, I have tried every false tan on the market, and I will share with you the best products.

1) Baking soda. WHUT? yes. you need to exfoliate in the shower with a paste of baking soda before you put anything on.
2) Thick lotion. apply this to palms, knees, elbows, feet, so's you don't look like you faked it.

3) Tanning Mitt. This will take the guesswork out of even application. it's made from microfiber and it works a treat. (This one came from the body shop, but are available lots of places) Use the mitt with:







4) L'Oreal Sublime Glow Moisturiser w
ith Sunless Tanner: So you don't start out looking blowtorched, apply this moisturiser every other day for a week to start out. Once you get the hang of it, move to:











5) L'Oreal Sublime Bronze Tinted
Sunless Tanner Lotion. This is quite simply the best on the market. When used in this way, it's goof-proof, and it doesn't reek. it also has a sheen to it, and the tint makes you tanned right away!

One thing no one seems to address in self tan articles is how to maintain it. Once i get it to the colour I like, I reapply about every 3 days, or barring that, I apply the Sublime Glow moisturiser every other day to maintain. Remember, you will have to exfoliate every week-ten days so it doesn't get patchy on you.
So, there it is. If you follow those instructions, you will look nice n tan, without that "Lohanish" shade of orange.


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