In honour of the holiest day on the calendar, Father's Day (We would have also accepted Yom Kippur) I thought it would be a total gas to share some killer "dad jokes" and tell a tale or two of my own dad's antics.

"Someone's gotta watch the money around here"
You think YOUR dad is cheap? My parents were biking outside of Paris, Ontario once, and decided to stop for ice cream at McDonald's, where, at the time they had a special of 2 sundaes for 2 dollars. Once they ordered, my dad was asked a follow up question as to whether he wanted nuts on his sundae. His response? "Does it cost EXTRA?"

Knee Slappers

• My dad decided to tell us a joke once about a genetically modified chicken who had 4 legs. When questioned about the taste of the birds, the farmer responded "dunno, have to catch one first." That's the joke... that's also the deafening sound of no one laughing. That third noise is my dad doing the "shoulder shake" trying to tell the joke without laughing his ass off.

• We were given a delightfully drawn map with directions to our friend's cottage in Wasaga. There is a Kentucky Fried Chicken near the sideroad that you must turn down to get there. In the drawing, the "C" in KFC looked like a "G." when asked what "KFG" was. my dad responded "Keep Fucking Going."

Never ask "For Who the Horn Honks"
Once, after working late, my dad decided to stop at a Wendy's. He is morally opposed to drive through, so walked up, crossing the drive through line up in the process (the cars were stopped.) Someone honked, so my dad called them an "asshole" and then gave them the finger, never once turning to give them the satisfaction of looking that guy in the face. The next morning he went to work where his associate, who had honked him hello at Wendy's wanted to make nice.

Setting up the Tripod
I was walking through Riverside Park with my dad once, and we came across this guy walking his dog. My dad is a real dog person, and this dog had interesting markings, so my dad was asking the owner questions about the dog's pedigree. My dad then proceeded to attempt to "shake a paw" with what to me, but obviously, not to him, was a three legged dog, while my mother and I looked on in abject horror.

Despite the TERRIBLE jokes and the obvious social gaffes (including a discussion of hookers in Berlin during last year's World Cup) I still love you dad, even if we ALWAYS have to putasweateron when we're cold instead of turning the heat up.

Paternitude: Shit Dads Say